Archive for April, 2009

Swine Flu
April 30, 2009

Swine Flu:  It’s here, It’s queer, It’s my fear.  

Within the past week, the “swine flu” in the United States has swept the nation faster than you can say “kill me now”.    According to CNN, the symptoms of the Swine Flu are as followed:  Pooping, Peeing, Barfing, Yaking, and finally, dying.  

If you have any of these symptoms, stop reading my blog. I don’t want to catch it. 

It started in Mexico (of course), and has now spread all over the United States …including my home state of Tennessee.  Muchos Gracias Mexico. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for illegal immigrants, but por favor, leave your swine at home.  

To prevent Swine flu you can do one of the following :

1. Kill yourself before it kills you

2. Lock yourself in a room and don’t come out till the pendemic is over (I suggest this one, but bring a book). 

3.  If you MUST (and I really emphasize “MUST”) leave the house before there is a cure… NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TALK, HUG, KISS, OR EVEN LOOK AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. not even your mother. 

According to Wikipedia “Social distancing is another tactic. It means staying away from other people who might be infected and can include avoiding large gatherings, spreading out a little at work, or perhaps staying home and lying low if an infection is spreading in a community.”  No, it means staying away from everyone.  

The more I think about it, the more I realize the Swine flu is just another slap in the face to those people that eat animals, specifcally pork.   “Can you blame nature if she’s had enough of us?” – Tor Amos. 

In the meantime, I am not talking to anyone and keeping to myself.  Here is a chart to keep yourself in check about the swine flu:

 

622px-symptoms_of_swine_flusvg

Conspiracy: Super glue
April 30, 2009

superglue

Do you ever think someone is going to come to your room while you’re sleeping and put super glue under your eye lids?  I do.

Bell’s Palsy
April 30, 2009

bells1

Lets face it, what could be worse than waking up one morning with half your face paralyzed?   Death.  

 

This morning, I learned about Bell’s Palsy and my life has changed. I am afraid to go to bed. I am afraid of waking up in the morning, going to brush my teeth and seeing drool slide down my face as a result of  limp features. 

When one acquires Hell’s Palsy, typically, the right side of their face stops working.  This creates a problem not only in beauty but also in terms of : drooling, blinking, closing your eye,  and probably finding a boyfriend. 

The cause of Hell’s Palsy is unknown.  However, many link diabetes, herpes, lyme disease, and even cold air to Hell’s Palsy.  Great, I probably have all of those listed. 

Hell’s Palsy can stay for a a few days to up to a couple years.  It all depends on the individual— Personally, I don’t want it for a minute.   

There is also no cure for Hell’s Palsy, although there are certain measures you can take to aid in reducing the amount of time you have what I like to call “frozen face syndrome”.  Things such as vitamin B12, acupuncture, and face massages can help.  My thought process was: what about BOTOX/Plastic Surgury? Suicide? 

Although these “treatments” for Hells Palsy can decrease the length of it’s stay, I think the best solution to this problem is simple: THROW AWAY ALL MIRORS AND DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE. 

I send out all positive energy for those 1 in 4000 dealing with Hell’s Palsy right now.  I send out prayers and I will try to sleep without the fear of what morning could bring. 

Matt

I’ve moved
April 30, 2009

Hello and my name is Matthew Sabato.  As you’ve read above, this blog is a refuge for hypochondriacs and fashion victims.  I just want to start by saying that I don’t want to die.  I am afraid of death. I am afraid of disease.  I am afraid of Donatella Versace.  

I created this blog in the hopes that it can bring together those who daily think:  am I dying?  is this herpes or a pimple?  is it cancer or just another day?  is that my reflection or just a case of swine flu?   Is that Bell’s Palsy or am I watching Beauty and the Beast? 

In this time, America is suffering from disease.   Everywhere I turn, I see death. I see disease. How can I make any friends around here?  Its like sickness is a popularity contest.  

But I prefer to stay healthy. And in the meantime, I will not visit sites such as Perezhilton.com,  Facebook.com, or try to meet guys off craigslist (although, the craiglist killer was kind of hot).  Instead, I will stay here. I will inform you of the latest, the greatest, and the deadliest. 

 

Amen.  

Matt